Afternoon. Alone with Toddler.

Hello little cub, did you have a good sleep?
It hurts Mummy when you smack me in the face.
We're going to the park, which pants do you want to wear?
Mummy doesn't like it when you throw things in my face.
Ok, we're going down the stairs. Back against the wall.
I mean it. Falling down stairs is "wa-wa's".
If you smack me, we're not going to the park.
I'm not taking your scooter, I'm just helping you get it out of the recycling box. I know it's yours.
Yes, Jo and Ralph's bakfiets had pedals that go round and round too. Great huh!
Are there cars coming?
You can't just say "nope." You have to actually look left and right.
Sure, I'll wipe the slide with my sleeve.
Ok, I'll go down slide too.
I'm not stealing your scooter, I'm just lifting it over the fence. I know it's yours.
Are you pooping?
Do you want to go home and change your nappy?
But it's not nice to go down the slide with poop in your pants.
Ok, we're taking the shopping and the poopy nappy home and then we'll have another walk.
That's not the right key for the front door. If you jam it in it'll break.
I'm going to carry you now, because you're hysterical.
I didn't hit your head babe, you did, on the wall.
I'm going to read this story with Peter Rabbit and you can come and read with us when you feel better, ok?
I'm not stealing Peter Rabbit. I know he's yours.
Good job babe! You ate corn and broccoli and sausages. You must have been hungry. Good job!
I don't like it when you throw the fork at my face. It makes Mummy sad, ok?
Ok, let's take that rubbish down the street. I mean it. Back against the wall.
I know it's your scooter. Really, I get it.
Don't put your face on the rubbish bin. Trust me, it's gross.
Let's check out that new hipster bar. 
Holy Moly, they have a train carriage in the lobby and there's a bed in it. Would you like to sleep in there?
Yes!?
No? Ha ha. Me neither.
Don't drink your juice like that. It's gonna go all down your front. Like that.
Are you pooping again?
Yes Daddy poops. Mummy poops. Cal poops. Everyone poops.
Yes, Uncle Max poops too..
I think we should go see if Daddy's home.
Yeah, I'm gonna carry you. Don't bite me. Oh it's a kiss. Thank you. Please one day be 25 and gorgeous and take me to a cool bar and buy me a drink.
Yes, all these bikes have pedals that go round and round. Great huh!
Babe you're right! That is Daddy's Auto!! He's home! Praise the Lord.
I'm not taking your scooter, I'm just helping you put it in the recycling box.
Ok, I'll carry you up to Daddy.
Yes, quick!
Don't smack Daddy in the face it hurts him, ok?